Anyway, I got me a new haircut!

I know the picture’s not all that great. That’s because the haircut’s not all that great hahaha. I can’t believe I paid for these messed up bangs hahahaha. I decided to “fix” it because it made me look half bald…I don’t know what the fck I was measuring and comparing the length to but DAMN, made it worst hahaha. Now I have to use gel and hairspray just so I won’t look like my hair got attacked by rats in the sewer.

I already know my fate, being a child of this family, and I’ve accepted it. At the moment, I’m a student, so I don’t have as many responsibilities yet. Once I’m done with school, that’s when everything will fall on me. Some don’t understand these responsibilities I will inherit and it sorta stresses me a bit. Some lecture me that it’s my life and I should do what I want, not what is bestowed upon me. Some get angry with  me that I’m letting someone make rules for me.

Being a friend in my life, they should understand my loyalty. Being a stranger in my life, they shouldn’t criticize me.

I should use this time wisely to make more memories for me to cherish…but it’s so hard. I thought I had everything I already needed but one by one, someone would slap me in the face and tell me to face reality.

If your meaning of reality consists of only sorrow and hardship, no thanks.

-”Tuesdays with Morrie”

I still go shopping and look for things to buy for us, thinking we’re still be the same. I make plans on special days coming up, thinking we’ll still celebrate it the same.

But truth is…the way I see you is not the same anymore. Now my heart just has to accept that.

He decided I was interesting enough to lecture me about life. He was a former business owner. He was successful at life until he made a bad move in business trading. He lost everything and decided to go back to school to get his Masters. He was from Chicago and was moving back there the next day.

He asked me all these questions trying to analyze me. We were both Asians so he said he could relate. I honestly didn’t really want to answer his questions but because he was “older” I considered him an elder. No matter how much I hide my identity, I can’t seem to stop being honest when elders ask questions. He lectured and lectured and I just nodded along…not that I was bored or wasn’t paying attention. Everything he said, I had already been through and survived in my very young life :D But I can’t argue w/ an elder and he liked cutting me off. He was extremely serious with life yet he was filled with humor.

We talked and talked…3 hours later, the sun had set. He was kind enough to make sure I got back to my car safely because we were all the way across campus.

But I don’t know…I feel unease. Sometimes I’m thinking back and wonder, why did I waste my time? Then I analyze and thought maybe it’s just because it was out of my comfort zone. I normally don’t have conversations this long with people I don’t know. I really wanted to cut our conversation because I came to work out and I sure wasn’t working out sitting there talking haha before long, it turned to hours. Each time when I thought he would stop talking, he continues with, “Listen to me…” or “Let me tell you something.” Like an elder would :p

We had exchanged emails and number. I thought it would be nice to start networking. He could be beneficial to my career some day :D

Sometimes I think back and feel guilty. I went to work out and didn’t bring anything with me, no phone, no pepper spray, no ID. I could have been in deep shit. When I got back to my car my little sister was steaming mad. She was driving all around campus looking for my awesome ass. She even got pulled over by the campus cop. Her nice yet dumbass self. I told her not to tell my mom I “went missing” especially since my mom just gave me the lecture of not talking to strangers just the day before. Haha

I still feel unease. I am the WORST person to keep in touch with because I don’t reply back. He had already called and emailed me. I’m too lazy to reply back…and still feel uncomfortable.

Did I make the wrong move or is this how networking start? :D *still half blank sheet of paper and needs to be colored*

I guess there’s a set of rules that all humans should follow. They should do this and do that to have a normal life. How about just being happy with the way things are? That’s something I’ve come to realize that they haven’t. I’m 99.9% happy with who I am, what I am, what I’ve accomplished, and what I will accomplish. I’m not bragging because everyone goes through this at one (or more) point in their life…it’s just that I’ve been there, overcame it, and I’m ready to move on.

I’m an understanding person, so I understand that many are still trying to surpass this stage in life. Sometimes during this stage in life, you have to make sacrifices and you have to filter out those that are holding you back. If I’m a link in that chain that’s stopping you from flying, then leave me. I’ve prepared for this moment and I’ll accept it without a fight.

Forgive me if I ever forget you because I’ve already forgiven you.

เราก็เลยตั้งคำถามขึ้นว่า ถ้าเรารักใครมากๆ เราจะทนได้เหรอ ถ้าวันนึง เราต้องเสียเค้าไป แล้วไอ้การจากลา มันก็เป็นส่วนนึงของชีวิต โต้งเองก็รู้ดี มันจะเป็นไปได้เหรอโต้ง ที่เราจะรักใครสักคนโดยไม่กลัวการสูญเสีย แต่อีกใจก็คิดว่า แล้วมันจะเป็นไปได้เหรอที่เราจะอยู่ได้ โดยไม่รักใครเลย นี่แหล่ะคือความเหงา